Short Stories

Writers Movie Makers and Lupus

Michael Winner

Michael winner is in the book, why,.I suppose in one way he was an inspiration lets start at the beginning. Must have been around 1992     3  or  4  when I was in Tenerife selling timeshare for a certain accused famous person involved with the a  bullion robbery not something I want to talk about further really…

Any way in those days I bought the mail on Sunday  I thought cracking read,and the News of the world, for some good honest trash.Always good to know which vicars been in a public toilet or what some footballer has done with a ministers wife or a four some in a west end club, I always read mail on Sunday first then the trash.

Mr winner always had a column in there about half a page.

I hated it , but couldn’t stop reading every week lol.He would always start with things like …”I went into the garage  and took the rolls out as I was going into the country”………………….ok you could stop there  but would be followed by  …….”.one of my 12 cars, I have 3 rolls 2 ferraris ,bently” etc etc……….or “ as I woke up in my bedroom”………..leave it at that no………”one of 26 bedrooms I have in my house in Belgravia “or what ever street…………”.I went out with a lady friend for dinner last month “     leave it no………….”one of the many fabulous gorgeous women in my life”…………”.as always just come back from my holidays”………leave it no……”I always go away at xmas and go to the Bahamas, my room is reserved every year for the next 20 years ,at 5000 pound a night”………………if you read the articles or not, you get the picture.

I used to think what a pretentious prat…If  you ever read this Michael don’t throw the book through one of your 165 belgravia windows yet please………….but still had to read  your article every week.

I don’t read books unless short articles giving facts especially about second world war history because of my interest with dad.   But must have been about 2003 living in Fuerteventura I asked a relative coming over on holiday bring me winners biography Winner takes all. it had just come out..I think I had the only copy in Fuerteventura ,loved it,still the same old

pretentious.Things  about his mum gambling all the family assets away and other stories, loved it.I even read it again in 2010 to help write this because as he says,when he is trying to get a directors job and couldn’t .he wrote the scripts , got funds and directed  ,   That ,  screw you ,I know I can do it ,so im gona do it attitude.Great, love him, he helped my inspiration to do this.

Loved how in  the book he even gives his home address  and this time missing out how many bedrooms and bathrooms ,if I had lived near London I would have rang the bell and popped round for tea…….i wonder if I would have been allowed in.

He is actually one person I would love to meet ,

Great film maker except made  Mel Gibson famous by getting his career of the ground who was then later  to do Braveheart  and the Patriot and do so much bad for anglo American relations because Gibson never read his history books .The queen carrying Wallaces child     well she should be in the guiness book of records,cos according to the writers of the movie she had a 7 year pregnancy then.,Half the English army were scots and irish ,fighing for the english the scots were always killing each other any way .Awfull backdrop of york castle     cos it still  stands to this day and what a great city.

That’s the trouble, the Americans believe everything they see on film,that’s why without them we would have lost the war “we saved ya “  ha ha oh yeah .more of that later.

Note> don’t think this book is going to sell in America ,except to just a few,they might even burn it like the beatles records hope they do,after the report of the bonfires on fox news ……………….it will be a top seller.

Michael winner came back into my life as I said on aug the 27th 2010  well not him but his book.i took it with me to grand canaria to read again while taking keely to the hospital she had been diagnosed with lupus since feb.Weird thing lupus ,cant see it ,doctors don’t know exact, no cure,To all partners of lupus im with you.Never forget that month of feb she had been to hospital in agony they said at first lumbago,then gout.i sang a george Formby song to try to cheer her up…….

If you’ve got lumbago

Roumatics or gout

Or a pain in your Robert e lee

Don’t pick up a shindy

Youll never get windy

With auntie maggies remedy.

How did that song come in  my head ,here I am ,54 years old.That was the first record mum got me as a xmas present I was 8    ,46 years ago man, George formbys greatest hits ,the first album I ever had.and still have to this day   I don’t even recal loving his songs lol

Why do things like that kick in ,when I cant remember what I did last Saturday.I want a program on national geographic explain more about the brain please.or am I the only one,

Any way, had got her to the hospital at last, we had to fly from Fuerteventura on a local flight to Grand  Canary.thats a book in itself and could cover 4 chapters of sorrows and laughs, if this gets published I promise ill cover those stories in volume 12.Was about 7,30 at night and got her in the hospital bed and even though I could stay till 10 , I knew I had to go,Never been to the city before and needed to book a pension for 2 nights, that the social security would pay back later.Max  allowance was 30 euros.After getting on the public bus  no 12

I asked for the main bus station, as I had been given directions by some local Spanish in my village of a pension near the main station.There are 3 main bus stations in grand canary.Nice start.

Many miles of walking later, all pensions full ,took a bus to the end of the city Parque Catalina,I knew was the end because, when I asked the driver to tell me when we got there, he said “no problems ,I don’t need to tell you,I don’t go any further or we will be in the sea.”

I found pension Ibiza, after directions from taxi drivers,always the best info where ever you are in the world screw the book , Lonely planet , sorry just ask a taxi driver.

Apt 102.without the private bath.Whats wrong with a communal you get a key anyway and 4 euros cheaper .Its now 9,30pm and im shattered so just a quick wash of the face and get a menu deldia(  cheap Spanish 3 course menu of the day)

Switch the tap on and wow……….its the cockroaches annual meeting… that’s one thing gives me the  shivers and the same feeling in my groin as looking over the edge of the empire state building,or slung over when you kiss the blarney stone “aar it wal be orl right lad to be sure”sorry that’s my best irish accent.Yeah while hung upside down over a 40 foot drop and you holding some bars while he grips your belt.

Quick complaint downstairs behind the panelled glass,Protecting the night watchman and the security gate made in Victorian times… sure they keep the crown jewels there, maybe got more ctv camaras than the bank of England.”no problems sir” in spanish and gave me a key to room 302   3rd flooor “we have a contract with a pest control company ill sort it”

Ha ha.3rd floor too high for cockroaches .because as I entered the lift and pressed the 3rd button,I was on level 2.the 4 button was for 3.It was because, I found out later, you couldn’t get in the lift on ground floor because the reception was on the first floor, after the security Victorian gate.So they had changed the electronics, but not the buttons in the lift.

If I am confusing you with this, my other theery is, that the lift numbers are wrong  just to confuse the cockroaches so they couldn’t get to 3rd floor apartments.

So room changed ,dump the hand baggage on the bed and get some food.,plenty of places to eat around Catalina,its just they cant smile when you walk in, ok its nearly 10 at night, ok they maybe had a hard shift, ok they maybe on minimum wage. I just wanted a Hola que tal buenus noches. After all, I couldn’t get on the first plane that was booked at 12,30 cos the hospital didn’t confirm till,the travel agency closed till 5pm so cant change tickets and we gotta be there between 5pm and 7pm at hospital,I had the worry of keelys kidney biopsy, I only just found somewhere to stay after walking at least 10 miles or more, Im in a city for the first time with only just enough money to get by, I’m the one that the feet hurt and suffered the attack of the cockroaches. I’m the one that has trudged in august the streets at 40 degrees. After she slammed the menu del dia card on the bar I froze and stared……….eyes fixed………all I wanted was a magnum gun and be like, Clint Eastwood in dirty harry or some one in Winners movies where there family had been murdered, get the male waiter throw him over the counter, cos I couldn’t do that to the waitress ,put the gun to his head and say

“Look mother fuxxer,  you think you’ve had a bad day ……..i need food ““………meanwhile stuffing the 7 euros 50 cents (price of the meal) in his mouth in dollar bills……watch every one else leave, tilt my cap and eat my meal…..and as I leave put a fat tip down the waitress cleavage and say “asta la vista baby”

No no, im scared of the guardia civil(spanish police from francos days) and 2 nights in jail. although could be better than Hotel Cockerache y Hermanos de Mosquitos.(hotel of cockroaches and brothers of mosquitos) note …see later mosquitos.

So I picked chicken soup ,beef steak empanado (that means its made thin by a hammer…but I think they took it in the morning to the motorway and waited till some 30 ton trucks drove over it) it came with 7 chips    and my coffee   No pasa nada (no problem) my belly had food.

I had a coin tip from some French ages ago 20 cents in outdated coinage, the French are stingy, sorry , tipping outdated coinage that looks just like the euro currency, I had kept it a while, never knowing what to do with it, I don’t have it any more, it came in useful, guess where it went.

Strolling down the avenues of Catalina I felt sure I could find a bar surely where some one would say  “ Hola Quetal buenas noches” just that short smile as you enter, that small comfort when you are down.

A lady well dressed maybe late 40 drunk out of her mind though, came up” Tiene cigarillo por favour” have ya got a fag. Quite common in spain and of course I gave, after lighting her cigarette she proceeded to walk with me and I held open my arm so she could link, believe me she needed the balance ,the gentlemanly thing to do(I blame it all on mum),

Within 5 minutes I knew her life story, Venezuelan not spanish . I thought that any way, after a time in Spain you get to see the difference, I said where do you live, she replied on the beach(no way man long dark hair,crisp white blouse, nice fashion jeans,)

“I doeshnt take druggshh,arsh jursh aarllcoholicsh” carn yoooo baarr me gorduuurns gin aarnd swechps tornic”Hey,my Spanish must be getting better ,I even under stand them when they are pissed now , I thought feeling clever.

Oh and I thought   mmmm this is an alcoholic with expensive tastes lol not ya local stuff.

Next line…..aarnnd  aarm a prostituuute…thash is my wooork/

As a seen from a play, from a gentelman helping a woman in distress………

Exit stage left   (well I pushed her left I turned right at the crossroads)

Tired ,my last bar,my last chance,Las Cumbres in Calle Vernado de la Parque Catalina. Full address .  why……if your in las palmas   go there  Louis is the owner.

Only small but busy, the heady smell of perfume from 40 age plus Spanish ladies with no rings , well dressed and made up to the eye balls (rare for spain)several courting couples ,the odd business man,.all polished wood decoration, every bottle of whisky you could think off displayed and polished glistening with presentation box at the side on the shelves. I suppose close to a yuppy bar in London,Busy  yes………Louis   said “ Hola Quetal comestas”(how are you)

I smiled , shocked and replied quickly, my story of a disastrous day told in 2 minutes , as the bar was busy ,but after bringing my drinks he asked more of my day and more and more   he had the time, was concerned,   its all you need sometimes. It cost nothing to be polite and can mean so much, have those old days all gone………..i hope not.

He told me where to go the next day for my menu del dia……..what a fabulous meal for 8 euro 3 course with wine and service impeccable.

I only had 2 euros left on my last and second night (after the reserve to get the bus to the hospital then the bus for both of us to the airport and a drink while waiting for the plane)

I spent it there,  and had 2 more free drinks and free crisps and an evening of 2 hours reading Winners book,as I left, the bar was busy,Louis saw me leaving he was serving,he left his clients marched down the bar shook my hand and asked how keely was after the operation and wished me luck,  I told him when we get time and money for a 2 day holiday we will be back.

And I will……………

The 3rd floor had no cockroaches.But mosquitos by the dozen , even after I had taken the mozzy killer plug as I take all over when I travel. After 30 minutes in bed with the light out   here it comes “attack attack attack ,blood, get him ,ziz room has been empty for 5 days ve are hungry” I imagine them as always with gistapo accents . All you need is the theme music from the dambusters film as they fling from the wardrobe……  that  horrid sound     eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezzzzzzz.


…….2 single beds in the room

Take one sheet off the other bed

Tie it to the bed posts of the bed you are sleeping in and make like a tent sloping down half way down the bed ,After making sure all your sheets are firmly tucked in

Leave the light on, .it confuses the bastards, they look for heat and hopefully fry on the bulb.

Climb into bed and try to sleep.

Any one seen Ultimate Survivor………program on Discovery channel the ex special services guy…….gets dropped of in all sorts of places….teaches you to survive….from the wilds of Africa to stormy ,snowy, Antartic waste land and desserts of Arabia.

I wish someone would drop him in that pension, without his camera crew

I survived………………….he wouldn’t.

Note .Did I have flash backs that night of staying in the Hotel Westminster in Paris 20 years ago at 750 pound a night for a suite,you bet,

did I have regrets,  no

.See chapter Millionare days